On Easter I decided to get a pregnancy test. I was 2 days late and am never ever late. Plus, my sweet husband who was in complete denial needed to be proven wrong, didn't he? In fact, I had been telling Jason for 2 weeks I was pregnant. Sure enough, it was positive. As I knew it would be....
I'm just going to be totally honest and say I completely lost it.
Hind sight I should have prepared myself better for what I knew was about to become reality. I should have had a quick little pep talk with myself before I peed on that white stick. I probably would have told myself to wait for another morning. Perhaps I would have put a limit on the amount of time I was allowed to spend on my bathroom floor in complete shock. Or I guess how long I was allowed to freak out in general. I pretty much don't recall most of Easter. I do remember some swearing and tantrums. Oh and a whole lot of crying.
After reading that I am sure you are thinking "Gosh, she sounds soo negative! She's only having a baby. It's not a BAD thing."
And you are completely right. BUT. And a big but at that.....I am having baby number FOUR!
Holy cow. Four. Me, the girl who said I would never ever, not in a million years, have more then two, is now going on number four. Omg. How did this happen? And no I don't mean literally here folks. I think I have THAT part figured out.
At that time I could only think of the many reasons why having a baby right now was just not a joyful thing.
Let me to tell you of course there was the initial shock and the general family concerns:
Jason still didn't (at this point) have a job. Oh man. Two in diapers. Great.
Another mouth to feed. Etc, etc, etc.
Then I started getting selfish:
Joshua is only 18 months. Having children so close after having my others so spaced apart is terrifying and going to be hard as hell. What have I done?
I was just starting to feel like I was getting myself back. Starting to have fun again. Starting to feel like ME again.
I had lost almost 25lbs, making me almost 35lbs less then when I had Joshua. The skinniest I had been in over 6 years. I was doing great on my diet and my self esteem was up and I was just starting to feel good again.
I didn't want to be pregnant again.....or maybe I did.....I just didnt know what I wanted and I wanted that choice. Now I don't have it anymore. Damn it.
I don't want to go through labor again. God, not that again. Three times completely natural is enough for me. I was able to forget what it was like between my other kids but Joshua's (however wonderful a birth it was) is still very clear in my mind. Ugh.
This baby is due on CHRISTMAS day. Eeek. How terrible am I?
I was not ready to do this again. Did I even want to? Again, I didn't have a choice now and I was still figuring it all out. This sucks.
I know, how selfish. But that is how I felt. That is what I thought....for those moments in time.
To be honest I still have those lingering feelings and thoughts like that. Mostly I am just angry I have to give myself up again for another 2+ years (pregnancy and breastfeeding). Again, I know how selfish that all sounds. Who am I to complain about such silly things when so many women would do anything to be pregnant. I know. But as I stated I am just being honest here.
Again, in hindsight though it was and is all ridiculous. I am so very excited to be having another baby.
I know this doesn't feel like perfect timing for ME but it really IS perfect timing. My life is going along exactly as it should and when this is all over I will miss each and every second of it deeply. Deeper then I can explain. I am blessed beyond words with what God has already given me and he has chosen to again allow me to experiences childbirth. I am elated. I am going to treasure every single moment of this and the day this child comes will again be one of the greatest days of my life.
I look forward to meeting you my angel (number four!). I love you already